Today i thought

the way many and i mean so many from our generation is so attracted to the y2k aesthetic and living is because even though gen-z was born in the right generation we simply missed the chance to live it.

stylistically y2k had more self expression in contrast to today's fast fashion that everyone seem to follow. we as a generation grew up looking at everyone having their own self expression. while being too young to form our own perception of one's own aesthetic, by the time we grew up it is a term of boomers.

with the resurgance of y2k aesthetic by primarily musicians and models, the gen-alpha has caught up and are more appreciative of the aesthetic. it is a time that will never return, as gen-z and gen-alpha looks at them, it is an easier time in the past. while they stay unaware of the economic crash of those years they adapt those aesthetics right where it all started, during another economic crash.

i feel like i have been late to everything all my life. is it because i held back while everyone moved forward? what is it that is holding me back?

i feel like i discover and enjoy things much later than everyone else. even this blog i made is late to launch nearly by a month. i watch so many movies later than everyone sometimes because i dont wanna get caught in the 'hype' and sometimes i just dont wanna watch it alone. i keep waiting and someone comes along the way to experience it with me. am i waiting for a motivator or a companion?

i just dont have the energy immediately needed for something. i keep thinking i will make myself better but i just make myself sad thinking about everything. yet, sometimes i console my heart by saying it is fine, even if i am late
because "better late than never". am i right?

everytime i feel like there is no meaning to life and future, one thing that hold me like a child in a blanket is art it could be a song, a painting or a film. i am always amazed and overwhelmned by how much art there is in the world.

there are so many books to read and so many paintings to see, in current climate of the world i might not ever see so many masterpieces in person, but so many historical and modern art pieces and paintings move everyone in such a profound manner it is astonishing to comprehend.

are we attracted to the art as itself or the emotions these arts evoke in us? do i love the song because of the singer and their voice or am i addicted to the lyrics and their meaning? did every art i ever consumed evoke a feeling in me? is art only considered as such if it makes us feel something? is there anything as 'boring' art?
are we all artists if we have ever evoked some feeling in someone? are we artists at all if no one has ever felt anything while looking at something we made??
am i spiraling?
i like arts, all kinds of arts, i even consider what i am doing with coding an art, i am making something, and there are results and there is a progress, thats art to me. ♡

why are we as women performing even in sickness? i have fallen quite terribly sick with viral fever. i went on a trip and got drenched in the rain in an unknown place for two days
it is quite given that i will be sick. but i didnt expect as much as i did. antibiotics and everything.

but the entry is not about the trip. it is about how i reached the hospital. i was quite literally so tired to even get my hands to wash my own face but even in that delirious state of mind, i was supposed to get ready in the most presentable way i can. why should i?

no one else has this expectation of being in a presentable way while being sick, why is it that some women feels the need to perform even in the most uncomfortable situations.
when shall we be free of this? i fear never..

sometimes life feels like a lie, something out of reach that i cannot figure our for the life of me, but then i do art and everything is good in nature and love is me, and nothing bad has ever happened in life. maybe that is why even without language and communication the primitive human still made art.

I am currently unemployed, which is almost the main reason i even had the time and energy for this website. but as life would have it, now i must return to being a responsible adult as to being an unemployed and irresponsible one. it.. has been ... hard. i am not going to lie. i did not have time at all the whole of last year and this year to even apply for jobs, i just looked after a sick parent and hoped their illness would go away. while i was chronically online, i honestly did not expect the sheer scale at which ai has completely changed the job market as a whole.

there are prompts you need to hide inside your resume now to even be considered as a candidate because instead of a human HR an ai is assessing whether a person is a viable candidate or not. after like unsurmountable applications i submitted, i got one chance. two rounds of written exams and an interview and as life would have it, i bombed my interview. they maybe liked atleast my performance in the exams i have another chance but it is again a company working with ai and everything building and training it. even if i were to join the company essentially i am just working towards making their ai so good that they wont need me anymore

this just makes me tired of even trying. one contant thought is what is even the point? whats the point? it makes me a pessimistic jerk, but honeslty what is the point? in the grand scheme of things what am i? i just want to live a simple life, which is honestly a luxury. it is a luxury that a simple human cannot afford. it is either generational wealth or those who are already woking in ai that are building wealth. everyone else, every other job can pack their things and leave at some point in the future because ai will take over.
not skilled workers ofcourse. but those will be demolished by the governments so.. again.. what is the freaking point?

while this may seem like a fear mongering rant and something that is way far in the future that might happen to our children and not us, it is still a possibility and with the way LLMs have taken over in just two years, that future might be closer than we thing it is.